When I grow up

My earliest recollection of having a career goal for myself was when I was approximately 4 years old. I wanted to live at the zoo and take care of the bears. Jungle Book left a real impression on me. I’ve come a long way since then, although I do spend my days talking to teens who have anger like that of a bear, and I lovingly refer to my parter as a grizzly bear because he’s as ornery as one sometimes. As far as my career goes, sometimes I wonder if this is it. Do I want to be a therapist forever? Sometimes, that answer is “YES, absolutely!” Other days, that answer is “DearGodnogetmeoutofherepls!” My hubs says this is probably because I’m not doing real therapy. Many of my clients are court-mandated to receive treatment and they have very few resources so many of our meetings consist of me helping them to locate resources, and talking them into working with me to meet their court requirements. Also, they’re teenagers. So there’s that. Another problem is that I’m still new to this. I know how to talk to people, and sure, I can probably be a bit more therapeutic than your average BFF who is mainly going to agree with you, allow you to vent, and give you advice -not that that’s a bad thing of course, I just believe that a therapist should serve a different purpose. As far as creating lasting changes, however, I still don’t know quite what I’m doing. And I hate being unsure of myself. I hate criticism. I hate that there are things I don’t know how to do yet. I was never good at the learning process; I just want to be naturally good at things. That’s impossible, I know, and I’m working on this about myself. But that being said, many days I feel like I’m drowning at this job. Many days I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m sinking in this “not-knowing” pool. I’m trying to read more and get more experience because I truly feel that that’s the only way I’m going to improve, but on some particularly rough days, it’s easy to think about throwing in the towel. I have those days where I think, 6 years of school, 2 degrees and another 2 years of supervision, and I don’t want to do this job anymore. On the other hand, I have some (rare) days where I work with a client who thinks I’m the best therapist since Freud himself (even though I’m very skeptical about his theories/practices) and I’m more sure of myself. I’m definitely in the middle of figuring our whether this is the career for me. But maybe we all are. Are we ever (in our minds at least) done growing up? H(for hubs) is 27 and successful at his maintenance job, but still deep down inside dreams of being an NFL player or even a hockey player. Are we always dreaming for something better? And how do you know when to stick it out in your current situation, and when to let go and follow your dreams? I’m still working on this, obviously.

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