A CRAZY REALIZATION: I knew it all along!

I’ve started trying to lose weight. Again. This is about the billionth time I’ve done this, and probably the 2nd time that I feel like I really have a shot at being successful. I’ve been using MyFitnessPal, which is amazing. I don’t have the paid version because I don’t see where I need the things they charge for, so I’m just as satisfied with the free version that lets me log my calorie intake and my workouts and access the community part.

I also started walking this week. Today was my 3rd day in a row. Walking may not seem like much, but when you’re ‘morbidly obese’ according to a BMI chart, and you don’t exercise AT. ALL. it really has an effect. I’ve been sore afterwards each day but I’m still doing it.

But let’s talk about eating. I’ve struggled in the past because I was mainly just counting calories.  I counted points when I did a brief stint with WeightWatchers, but other than that it’s always been about calories in vs. calories out. And that’s good! If you burn more calories than you take in, yes, you will lose weight. But here’s the tricky part. What if I really, really want that Moe’s Homewrecker with chicken add queso, that adds up to a whopping 1100 calories? I’m never going to exercise all that off! So I didn’t. I ate it, saying I would exercise, and then of course I never did. Now more recently I’ve been complaining to my Hubbs about how I really want to eat healthy, I just don’t know HOW! I need to pay a nutritionist! I need to see a doctor to be put on a diet! Hubbs put his foot down when I started talking about spending money, because he’s seen this before. I sign up for a gym membership at $30-$50 a month, I go twice even though I’m locked in for a year. I spend $350 working with this ‘system’ that’s going to change my life and basically have me eating nothing but green beans for a year, and I lasted 4 days. I say we are going to start eating healthy and we spend $200 on health foods, and I eat 1/10 of it then eat a pint of ice cream the next day. So I GET it. He says show him that I can actually commit to something and sure, he’ll invest whatever he needs to for me to be successful.

So fine, I said. I’ll start walking and change what I eat. But then I went back (in my head) to ‘But I don’t know how to eat!!’ I looked up healthy recipes, and one of them said serving sizes were 1 cup. I thought ‘Holy shit! that’s all?! Well how many cups can I eat and it still be healthy?’ So then I googled “Portion Sizes.”

You will not believe what came up. A damn food pyramid, with the recommended daily servings of food clearly labeled. You know what I’m talking about. We learned about it in school that one time.

Seeing that, I felt like a huge idiot. OF COURSE. That’s how you know how much you should be eating, by knowing how many servings per day of particular foods you should have. I can’t believe I’ve spent the past 15 some odd years eating like crap because I forgot that there’s actually a daily recommendation of how much food you should have and what kinds, not just how many calories you consume.

Now I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I’ve spent my life eating giant portions at every meal, but at least now I can acknowledge what I’ve been doing wrong and try to correct it. Schools really should require you to have more than a half-credit of health class to graduate.
Edit: After speaking with a friend who is a nurse, I learned that the USDA no longer uses the food pyramid and is now using MyPlate. Learn more at http://www.ChooseMyPlate.gov.

I like you, but I don’t like what you say.

“Unfollow.”

You know what I’m talking about. It’s in my opinion the best thing Facebook did for us since they made the horrible mistake (again, in my opinion) of not requiring you to have a .edu email address to sign up: the option to opt-out of someone’s posts.

I realized over the weekend that of my 568 Facebook friends, I have unfollowed approximately 150 of them.

First, I want to discuss why I have chosen to unfollow these people. Most of them are basically because I’m just annoyed. I do not need to see your 500 (I’m not exaggerating) selfies, ESPECIALLY your dumb duckface ones.
I do not want my news feed flooded because you think every. single. picture. that makes you chuckle needs to be shared. I really don’t need the details of your gall-bladder removal surgery (totally not kidding. It was right there on my newsfeed). I am sick of seeing hundreds of pictures of your kid sleeping/eating/pooping and reading about them being sick/teething/crying/sleeping/pooping. I don’t want to hear your racist/bigoted/stereotypical thoughts on the latest event that the media has succeeded in making you believe is the only horrible thing happening in the world. And if I get one more show spoiled because YOU CAN’T BELIEVE JOHN JUST DIED OMGOMGOMG!! I will punch someone.

So why not just unfriend these people instead of unfollowing them? This brings me to my second point. Why don’t I unfriend these people who produce eye rolling at best, and rage at humanity at the worst. Well, because I’m a nice person, and I was born with the horrible curse gift of deeply feeling others’ feelings, and never wanting to hurt anyone. I don’t want anyone to KNOW they bother me. I legitimately don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings by unfriending them. So I can just unfollow them and remove the drama from my life.

Now here’s where it gets to be too much. I am saddened to admit that society is chock-full of idiots. I’m talking complete imbeciles. Sometimes I see so much stupidity that I want to scream, or choke someone. Ignoring the stupidity definitely doesn’t make it go away, but I have no idea how to fix this problem. I’ve got lots of ideas for solutions to stupidity, but few of them are realistic, let alone legal. Getting into battles with these people online certainly doesn’t make them smarter. If anything, it makes me feel more dumb. That being said, the best course of action for me is to unfollow them, and if it’s something bad enough that I feel I really can’t be friends with a person with those thoughts/actions/etc., then I unfriend them. Though it rarely gets to that point.

What about you? What are your thoughts on unfollowing vs unfriending? Or are all of your friends awesome enough that you don’t have to hide their posts? Should I just be more picky when adding/accepting people? Give me your feedback in the comments!

When I grow up

My earliest recollection of having a career goal for myself was when I was approximately 4 years old. I wanted to live at the zoo and take care of the bears. Jungle Book left a real impression on me. I’ve come a long way since then, although I do spend my days talking to teens who have anger like that of a bear, and I lovingly refer to my parter as a grizzly bear because he’s as ornery as one sometimes. As far as my career goes, sometimes I wonder if this is it. Do I want to be a therapist forever? Sometimes, that answer is “YES, absolutely!” Other days, that answer is “DearGodnogetmeoutofherepls!” My hubs says this is probably because I’m not doing real therapy. Many of my clients are court-mandated to receive treatment and they have very few resources so many of our meetings consist of me helping them to locate resources, and talking them into working with me to meet their court requirements. Also, they’re teenagers. So there’s that. Another problem is that I’m still new to this. I know how to talk to people, and sure, I can probably be a bit more therapeutic than your average BFF who is mainly going to agree with you, allow you to vent, and give you advice -not that that’s a bad thing of course, I just believe that a therapist should serve a different purpose. As far as creating lasting changes, however, I still don’t know quite what I’m doing. And I hate being unsure of myself. I hate criticism. I hate that there are things I don’t know how to do yet. I was never good at the learning process; I just want to be naturally good at things. That’s impossible, I know, and I’m working on this about myself. But that being said, many days I feel like I’m drowning at this job. Many days I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m sinking in this “not-knowing” pool. I’m trying to read more and get more experience because I truly feel that that’s the only way I’m going to improve, but on some particularly rough days, it’s easy to think about throwing in the towel. I have those days where I think, 6 years of school, 2 degrees and another 2 years of supervision, and I don’t want to do this job anymore. On the other hand, I have some (rare) days where I work with a client who thinks I’m the best therapist since Freud himself (even though I’m very skeptical about his theories/practices) and I’m more sure of myself. I’m definitely in the middle of figuring our whether this is the career for me. But maybe we all are. Are we ever (in our minds at least) done growing up? H(for hubs) is 27 and successful at his maintenance job, but still deep down inside dreams of being an NFL player or even a hockey player. Are we always dreaming for something better? And how do you know when to stick it out in your current situation, and when to let go and follow your dreams? I’m still working on this, obviously.

The therapist gets a counselor. Sort of. Maybe.

I said in my very first post that I’ve always been overweight. I think I said that. Let me check. *brb*

*5 minutes later*
Heavyset was the word I used. Overweight is better. I’ve been overweight, as in weighing more than is healthy, since I was about 4 years old, according to my mom. I don’t really remember that far back, but this is when she said she thinks it started. So yes, overweight for a long time. I don’t really know what it’s like to not be overweight, not shop for clothes in the plus-size section, not buy prom and formal dresses from David’s Bridal because the department stores didn’t carry my size… those assholes. Like seriously, just because a girl is bigger than a size 14 (real size 10) she can’t get a big pink poofy sequiny prom dress? F*ck you Dillards.

I digress. I’ve always been big. I was raised on McDonald’s happy meals. This is not a jab at my parents. I freaking love McDonalds, fake chicken and all. Sorry not sorry. But that being said, I’ve never learned how to eat healthy. Sure, I know that you should eat less cheeseburgers and eat more carrots, but that about does it for my actual, solid knowledge of healthy eating. As far as doing research, the internet is FULL of advice, both good and bad, so there’s plenty of information about not eating carbs, not drinking sodas, not eating red meat, blah blah blah. And I know that different ‘diets’ work for different people. I also know that I am ready to make a lifestyle change, which is what the serious people call it, and I don’t need to be giving up any foods that I don’t plan on saying goodbye to FOR-EH-VER (Sandlot, anyone?). I will never give up bread, or cheese, or pasta, or hamburgers. I refuse. SO, what I have done is contacted a nutritional counselor.

I found her online by doing a search of people in my area. Turns out, she now lives in another state on the opposite side of the country and the website people haven’t taken her info down yet, but she’s willing to work with me over the phone/facetime. The only drawback (according to her) is that she normally likes to do grocery shopping trips with her clients, and this won’t be an option for us. Everything else seems pretty standard. We talked about my needs, my goals, what I want to get out of all this, etc. etc. and she’s supposed to be drafting some ideas for me, along with a price list to see if I can do this (’cause momma doesn’t make any money in the mental health business. Grad school was a giant lie) and we are going to see if we can work this out.

I know that my biggest issue is portion control. At work, I do awesome with my pre-packed breakfasts and lunches, but then at dinner time it’s like binge city. H is an AMAZING cook, and I eat, and eat, and eat. I have no self-control. But even while I’m doing “awesome” at work, I know I packed huge portions, probably of food that I don’t need to be eating. So we are gonna give this a shot and I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. Keep me in your thoughts!

I didn’t die. I got married. 

I posted exactly one blog post, and then seemingly disappeared. That’s because two weeks after making that first post, I got married! (Insert confetti and horn-blowing) So needless to say, that entire week leading up to the big day I was running around like a mad woman. They all told me it would happen but I didn’t believe it. I had been so chill and collected throughout this whole wedding planning process, I was as cool as a cucumber. But then it set in that I was getting married in 5 days, which no one tells you that it really means you’re throwing a giant party and things have to get done. So I made lists and made use of my wonderful friends who volunteered to help me, and we got stuff done. Somehow I ended up with 5 friends who are all teachers so we made the craftiest shit you’ve ever seen. We decorated bubble bottles (totally pointless, maybe 6 people saw them) and cut and arranged flowers and decorated signs and hot-glued decorations onto mason jars (yes, I was that girl, sorrynotsorry) and everything looked amazing.

The wedding itself was great as well. We had gorgeous weather, and almost everything went according to plan. Not that that really matters because all I wanted was for us to be married at the end of the day and we were, but it’s great that there was no added stress.

Here’s my favorite pic (so far) from the day:

Just check out the hub’s smile. I love that boy.

I’m going to get serious about writing more, and we have a lot of exciting things coming up in our lives that I’ll post more about once things are in motion. Until then, happy blogging!

Of life and love… We’ve come a long way, baby

I wouldn’t call myself a ‘writer’, necessarily. I will say that I love to write. From the time I was old enough to spell semi-correctly and string words together, I was writing. I wrote poetry; odes to my ‘true loves’ I knew in elementary and middle school. I started a dozen stories that never were to be finished. Looking back on these stories now, I think I was yearning for the life I was writing about. I always, always wrote love stories, or poems about love. The stories were always loosely based on my own self, but my ‘self’ in the stories had amazing friends and she was pretty and popular and always ended up with the boy. Now, I said earlier that none of my stories were ever completed, so take that phrase ‘ended up with the boy’ very lightly. My stories didn’t end because they didn’t go anywhere. It was very much “la la la, going about life, I like this boy, he likes someone else, oh wait he likes me wooohoo.” Seriously. I cringe reading these things now. I was so young! I didn’t know anything about love or life! Mark Twain said, “Write what you know.” That was my problem. I didn’t know anything about what I was writing about. I knew that I wasn’t popular in the real world. I was (read: still am) heavyset, shy, and went to a high school where I graduated with 38 people. There were not a lot of opportunities for welcoming differences. I didn’t look like my friends who were slim and blonde and beautiful. So I watched my friends date the boys I had crushes on, and pretended like I wasn’t heartbroken when my friends did this, knowing that I liked this boy (when I was brave enough to admit it). Turns out, that boy was gay so I definitely dodged a bullet there (thanks A for taking care of that one for me *wink*). The point is, I think writing gave me a way to express all these feelings, these wild crazy ridiculous musings of love without having people judge me for them. Now that I know more about what I’m talking about, I think I could be more successful writing about it. I’m not ready yet to go diving off into writing a novel, I’m a busy girl afterall. But that’s what the point of this blog is to be for me. A way to express my thoughts and creativity So if you’re reading this, then welcome. I’m excited to get back into this. P.S. I found love eventually, and I’m marrying him in 17 days 🙂